My Twins

Since October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awarness month, and this is the week that it happened to me, I thought I should go ahead and get this out of the way. It all started in August 2005 when David and I found out we were going to be first time parents. We were filled with joy! At my first ultrasound, the technician made notes of two heart beats. The doctor confirmed it. We were going to have twins. I was scared to death and super-duper excited all at the same time. The thought of having twins was absolutely wonderful and certainly grew on us. I found myself wanting to buy matching outfits before we even knew the sex. Thursday, October 10, I bought their first outfits. White, with Pooh on them. That Friday night, I started spotting. I called my doctor right away and he said that it could just be some lining bleeding and that it was normal. But to ease my mind, he said to come to Labor and Delivery the next morning and he would have an ultrasound done. I continued to spot, but it wasn't bad, and even quit before Saturday morning. David and I headed over to the hospital and met Dr. Giep there. I just had a feeling things were bad. And I was right. After having three different people come in and check, they confirmed that my babies had passed. I remember the look on the doctor's face when he told me. I remember exactly where my mom and David were standing in the room. Then, I remember nothing. I know everyone was hugging me and we were all crying, but I don't remember anything the doctor said after that. I was in shock. We went home and I could do nothing except lay in bed and cry. They scheduled my appointment to have the remains removed that next Friday. That whole week I kept thinking that maybe they were wrong. I made the doctor do another ultrasound before I would allow them to do the surgery. Unfortunately the result was still the same.

I'll never forget that room. When we were pregnant with Julia and on the hospital tour, that was the room they took us in to tell us where to go. I broke down and just had to stand there with my eyes shut. When we went in on the day Julia was born, that was the room I had to go in before I was admitted to my own room. Like I couldn't get away from it.

I read all of these blogs about moms who loose their babies after they are born and I can't even imagine. The pain I felt was and still is horrible, but I didn't get to hold them and look into their eyes. I don't know how they do it. I don't really talk about my loss anymore because I feel like people will think I'm silly. It was three years ago and they were only 9 weeks old. I know that isn't the case, that my feelings are valid, but I still think people feel that way about it. I wonder what sex they were. If they were identical. If they would look like Julia does now.

I saw this beautiful poem on Teacher Turned Mommy's blog, and hope that she doesn't mind that I borrowed it.